A Dark Cloud Over the Andes- My Story Part 2

I held the doors of Summer open as long as I possibly could but as all seasons do, Summer of 2016 came to a close at last.  I would still consider this both the best and worst summer of my life somehow simultaneously. By the end of August I was sitting on a plane with my brace hugging me tightly, on my way to spend my last semester of college finishing up my Spanish major in Ecuador.  Unfortunately, I had to end PT earlier than I would have liked so that I could go abroad.  And despite, my extensive treatment regimen I was still in a lot of pain. 

Overall, Ecuador was a bittersweet experience.  I got to see some of the most beautiful places I’ve ever seen (Galapagos, Amazon, Machu Pichu etc.). I also got to make my dream of interning for a food company in a Spanish speaking country a reality for a few weeks.  Meanwhile, in the background, my time there was predictably painful but unexpectedly lonely as well. 

Cuenca, the city where I was staying, is located in the Andes mountains at about 8,400 feet above sea level.  Unbeknownst to be at the time, higher altitudes can make existing muscle pain worse.  My classmate and I would go back down to sea level and visit another girl who was 3 hours away in Guayaquil occasionally.  The constant pulling from my neck down the length of my spine would always go from about an 8 down to a 3 with this move towards sea level. 

My host Mom had gotten me a special mattress that was intended to help back pain.  I had noted on my intake form that I had a fused spine and she wanted to ensure I was comfortable given my condition.  To no fault of hers, I had a very tough time with this mattress and my pain increased exponentially when I tried to sleep.  I ended up covering the mattress with as many blankets as I could in an effort to soften it, without much luck. 

Thinking in a language that isn’t perfectly second nature to you all day and everyday coupled with experiencing chronic muscle tightness and pulling plus intermittent spasms and headaches was thoroughly exhausting.  I would come home and try to get some sleep but suffered from pretty severe insomnia and even nightmares.  The houses were quite close together in Cuenca and I was on the second floor.  About an hour or so into finally dozing off most nights I would wake up screaming that a man was watching me sleep from a neighboring house’s window.  It was an eerie hallucination that felt very real every time. 

On top this, there was only one other girl in my program and we didn’t have a single class together.  I never wanted to admit it but I was really quite homesick throughout most of the experience. I would have calls with my Mom and boyfriend almost every day but still found myself with a dark cloud lingering over me most of the time I was in Ecuador. 

I listened to a lot of Third Eye Blind.  The strikingly honest lyrics always seemed to make me feel understood and weirdly comforted.  It was not turning out to be the traditional study abroad experience that I had hoped for. 

Just give me a call when you feel better/ But you never do and I’m just another debtor to some palm reader whose got her hands mixed up…

Haunted by broken dreams/ I read horoscopes in magazines…

Believe in me and this lie/ Tell me everything will be alright

[Palm Reader-- Third Eye Blind]

I ended up taking  St. John’s Wort from a local vitamin shop a few weeks in to help quell the depression.  I also ended up seeing an Orthopedist about midway through my stay in Ecuador due to increasing tailbone pain. 

I remember requesting an appointment through the Study Abroad program at 10 am one day and then getting an appointment with the Orthopedist that same day at 12 pm. I was shocked given that to get an appointment with the Orthopedist I went to in Chicago the wait time was always at least 6 months.  I appreciated the way the Doctor took me right away and was able to perform an X-Ray, have a 30 minute consult with me and provided me with a prescription all on the spot for a total cost of $70.  Insurance is not used in Ecuador.  For the first time in almost a year I felt seen and heard and of all places in Ecuador. 

It was in reflecting on this experience that I first began to question the medical system in the US.  Earlier that year I had waited over 5 months for my appointment with my Chicago based Orthopedist.  By the opposite token, in Ecuador, I was seen that day by a Doctor who actually took time to treat me.  I thought about all of the people who had chronic pain in the US who suffer much longer than they should waiting for a doctor who doesn’t really give them the time of day anyway.  Was the US really the most medically advanced country in the world or could we learn something from the way “3rd world” countries practice medicine? 

In December of 2016 I came back to the US a few days before graduation landing at 3 am to the warm presence of my boyfriend holding flowers.  I was elated to be back.  I graduated college and within a few months started a job as a Lab Technician.  The job kept my mind off of the pain as I worked a lot of 9 and 10+ hours days on my feet.  Being busy was the best way I knew to distract myself and to pause my mental tendency towards self-deprecation.  I still blamed myself for my predicament even a year later.  Late at night when I was alone and trying to calm down for sleep I would have awful racing thoughts of ways I could have avoided this whole thing by maintaining fitness earlier on.  I could never let myself just relax, breathe or heal…

I ended up going to therapy for a while and was encouraged to try an antidepressant.  At first I was against the idea.  A month or so later I was at a routine gynecologist visit and was diagnosed with Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD). He said this condition explained my insomnia and depression, both of which tended to be much worse during the second half of my cycle.  I was prescribed 10 mg of Prozac to be taken only during the second half of my cycle each month.  For me the medicine seemed like a miracle at first.  I finally was able to sleep and was definitely less depressed.  I did find myself feeling uncharacteristically dull while on this medication.  It felt like someone had access to a dimmer switch inside of my brain and was subtly turning down my inner sparkle or in other words the thought patterns unique to me.  I was feeling more like everyone else, less depressed but also less caring, empathetic and jovial. I was also crying more than usual which I thought was odd but other than this I did not seem to have major side effects which felt good enough to me.

At this point it had been a full year with chronic pain and I still felt pretty defeated.  I remember feeling as though I had lost an entire year of my youth.  I continued to mourn the me I was before all of this and couldn’t believe all of my efforts still weren’t bringing her back. 

If it’s not the defense then you’re under attack.  When you start talkin’ I hear the Prozac.

Convinced you’ve found your place, with the pierced queer teens in cyberspace

When you were your self there was tasting sweet

Sours into a routine deceit

Well this drama is a bore and I don’t wanna play no more

[Losing a Whole Year- Third Eye Blind]

 It felt like I was a player in some twisted game that I never wanted to play.  A game where winning was beginning to feel impossible.  How many more years would it take to finally declare victory?  Was I even meant to be in the winner’s circle at all?

To be continued…

December 2016: Interning in the Quality Control Department at La Europea in Cuenca, Ecuador.